Car Crash Girl
by She who is made of stars
Summary: Parvati had just wanted to be better, for once. / Padma is the good one, so Parvati will be the pretty one. Trigger warning for anorexia.


**I don't think this is descriptive enough to warrant an M-rating, but I'm still going to remind you all of the anorexia trigger warning - that one's definitely warranted. Also, a few comments in this could be interpreted as racist and I'd just like to clear up that I don't mean to insult anyone by this. If you feel offended by anything I wrote here, I'm very sorry and I can assure you it wasn't meant like that! Harry Potter is not mine.**

* * *

_Hey dear, I fear_

_I'll watch you disappear_

_'cause I know, you'll go_

_until you're skin and bones._

* * *

Parvati had just wanted to be _better,_ for once. For as long as she can remember it's been Padma and Parvati; always the two of them, and Padma always first. They're twins, but still Padma somehow ended up being the firstborn, which makes Parvati second best.

Padma is the good one; smart, sweet, quiet, well-behaved, charming, calm, studious, creative, patient, gentle, _perfect._

Parvati is a car crash girl who walks on train tracks. She is none of the things her sister is – if Padma is water, then she is gasoline. She's useful and powerful and she can turn things to ashes, but in the end it's always water people pray for.

Parvati had just wanted to be better at something. Bravery doesn't count because she is not a man; she is always rebellion, never revolution. She's not smarter, not more creative, not more diligent – Padma beats her in all those things... but she's never been the prettiest. They've always been identical, which means her sister has no head start here; in this, Parvati can win.

So she stops eating.

It sounded so very simple, and she's discovered that that's because it _is_. This is something she's good at, finally: saying no. Lying takes courage, she's noticed, and Parvati is brave – _I'm not feeling so well_'s and _I've eaten already, thanks_'s slip from her mouth like she's never done without. In Divination, her tea leaves tell tales of beauty and fortune and for once she knows they're not talking about Padma, for Parvati is the pretty one now.

Parvati's heart has lived in a prison, she realises now, but the bars are showing and soon enough she'll be able to set it free. If she no longer looks like Padma, perhaps she won't have to _be_ Padma anymore.

Her aunts compliment her on her slim waist when she comes home for Christmas; her cousins look jealous. (Padma has started to bite her nails again. Something Parvati does not recognise flashes in her mother's eyes.)

Parvati knows Padma could never do this, could never be this strong. Parvati watches her sister pour boatloads of gravy over her mashed potatoes on the other side of the Great Hall and it makes her feel sick, but also sort of good; she's still doing better. She is stronger; she is fire and stone.

(She's dizzy. Her toes are cold.) Parvati gets thinner and thinner, counts her ribs and smiles. She thinks she might be the pretty one already, but when she looks at the Slytherin table she can clearly see she can do better.

Parvati just wanted to be better, but now she wants to be the best - she wants to be perfect.

**_Breakfast = one slice of toast (65) + one cup of tea (0) = 65  
Lunch = one apple (50) + water (0) = 50  
Dinner = 50g mashed potatoes (52) + 50g broccoli (12) + one kiwi (24) = 88  
Snacks = 75g cucumber (6) = 6  
Total = 209_**

(Parvati's stomach never stops rumbling anymore. The sound echoes in her dreams.) There is a gap forming between her thighs, and if she loses the lumps of fat still dangling from her arms and legs and belly, she'll be the prettiest girl in the school. (She can see fear in Lavender's eyes sometimes when she declines pastries with a pleasant smile.) She will be prettier than Lavender.

Exams come and go. Padma has more OWLs, but Parvati knew that already and besides, that's not what she's going for, anyway. (She can't focus on her studies. Reading makes her head spin.) Her aunt knows a boy who might want to marry her; she knows no one for Padma. (Parvati throws her tampons out unused.)

Parvati is a bird girl now; she'll be light enough to fly away soon. (Her bones won't stop shaking. They feel hollow.) She weighs six stones now, which is almost 50.000 kcal. Parvati is 231-and-a-half bagel, (she wants a bagel more than she's ever wanted anything) she is 208 hours of jogging (she's _tired_), she is twelve pairs of ribs (the bones feel like they're trying to burst through the skin), she is skinnier than Padma, prettier than Padma, _better than Padma_ (she misses her sister) but still not good enough.

(Padma is smart. She knows Parvati is turning to dust and she knows she cannot stop her, but her eyes look haunted and the stress is keeping her awake at night.) Padma is not strong like Parvati is.

(Parvati is scared.) Parvati is strong.

Parvati is not hungry. She is _strong_.

(She is dying.)


End file.
